I logged on to Xanga, not expecting much, and not expecting to be writing an entry. Yet, here I am.
So much has changed since I last wrote. The love of my life has come back to me, though we still are unsure of where we stand. I have a feeling that this year will either make or break us. Between my lack of a mode of transportation to see him, busy semesters, moving (for him), another summer together, which will be finished with a cruise the week before fall classes begin, his final semester, and us both attempting to find positions in the next part of our journey (work or grad school), things will be an adventure.
I am so thoroughly blessed to have this man in my life once again. He left a giant hole in my heart that couldn't be repaired. I attempted to move on, but that was an absolute disaster, to say the least. I cannot describe how painful of an experience that was. I knew that no one would ever be able to take his place, and I was fooling myself if I thought any differently. He was all I wanted in my life.
On July 4th, I had my first kidney stone problem. The pain made everything that day hazy, but I remember laying on the bathroom floor, curled in a ball, crying and screaming in pain. I remember screaming his name, needing him there to tell me I wasn't going to die (which I really believed was happening at the moment). I remember smelling him, and at that moment had enough clarity of mind to call my family to drive me to the ER. I don't remember much after that, except feeling like he was with me, standing at the foot of my bed, walking with my gurney, and holding my hand while I was in the MRI machine... I was incredibly delirious, and apparently held a conversation with him at some point (the nurses told my mom about it, who then passed it along to me, once I was coherent enough).
Shortly after, my family drove up to Maine. Every song I heard reminded me of him. Every beautiful sight, I wanted to share with him. I had to avoid going into shops, constantly seeing something he might like...
The day we got back to Ohio was the first time he talked to me since that night. We barely talked from then until September. I still thought of him often, and there were plenty of nights that I cried myself to sleep.
I'll spare you the details, but we decided we wanted to talk, and so we met up.
We started seeing each other again, and it was like getting part of myself back after declaring it dead and gone. I had almost forgotten how much I loved his touch, his kiss, his laughter, his companionship, and everything we were when we were together.
Despite still having some cracks, my heart is healing. I love him more than I can say, and I know now for certain that I will never stop. He's the part of me that's been missing for about 20 years of my life, and I know that I can't ever tell him what he means to me.
But he is my rock. His laugh makes me smile on the worst of days. Getting a phone call from him is better than any Christmas gift. Feeling his arms wrap around me is the most comforting and loving of embraces. I adore every moment we spend together, and each is cherished absolutely. He supports me, but tells me when I am being absolutely foolish. He assumes such huge responsibility with the burdens I have, paying him back in kind would be impossible. He gives so much, and I adore him absolutely and completely. Having him in my life makes me want to be the best person I can be. He makes me want him to be proud of what I've done, and everything I've accomplished. I want to be someone he can be proud to say he cares for.
I do think that he's my better half, and I don't need any relationship status to validate it.
I suppose what I'm saying is that I love him. Absolutely, unequivocally, and undoubtedly.
"... Surely, you must know it was all for you... And it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before... My affections and wishes have not changed... I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." -Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
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